piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Pants are for mortals
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
