Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
