YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
