Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
