now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
