in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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