I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
