Porn is love you can see.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
