i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
