Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
