ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
