I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
