rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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