So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
