Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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