this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
