Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
