youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
