dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
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We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.