we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE