You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
