I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
