No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
