I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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