enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
