the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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