I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
