my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
