This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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