My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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