I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
