I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
