im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
