she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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