This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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