my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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