i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I think i got beer on your cat.
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