Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
