my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
