I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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