Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
