I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
