I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
