My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
