dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
