Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
