Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
