He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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