i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
