Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
