you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
