I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
