My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
