I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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