I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
