if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
